I always feel compelled to write when I'm prioritizing or experimenting with my life. The experiment this week? Placing myself in different locations around the dealership.
To give you a visual, my office is located between the sales and service department. It's like the median between total chaos and a smooth sailing ride. The only problem is that I'm totally isolated from everyone, yet exposed at the same time. My office is a giant glass box, giving passersby a human display.
The segregation of it all has made me wonder how productive I'm not, as well as how engaged I feel at work. Today, I'm perching myself all over the place at work, mostly near sun. It's a welcome change. The constant buzz of activity is allowing me to work faster, more dilligently.
I don't know why or how, but I've been focused on making changes--big and small. I reckon change means great experiences...and more to write about.
In other news, I'll be exporting my MySpace blogs to here, so you see entries with titles of previous years, they're all archives.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
June 5, 2006
Mini-epiphanies
I'm at work, on break, taking in this Kaskade cd I downloaded last night. So blissful. So peaceful...yummy.
Anyway, the auction was interesting. I sold for a lot less than I thought I would. My ego took a big smack. I was ready to plunk down 600 for someone else...until I realized I have a big credit card payment to make. Overall it was a good night.
Lately I've been having mini-epiphanies about my personality. The biggest one is coming to grips with the fact that I have low esteem in some areas. Everyone has insecurities somewhere and mine aren't any different. I've just been in denial for the past 4 years about one of them.
When I was a chubby kid with glasses and braces, I wasn't too popular with anyone, least of all the opposite sex. I grew older, I slimmed down, I got physically active. And suddenly all the guys that wouldn't give me the time of day at 16 were looking at me in a different light at 21. The attention inflated my confidence and ego. As long as that attention was there, I felt worthy. I never thought to question how I validate worth...until Friday.
It's not easy trying to sell yourself for a date, even if the benefit goes toward something you prize--like upping your best friend's tuition fund. I was the first person bid on at the auction. I went for 40 (or 45...I can't remember). Very few guys hollered out a bid.
Going into this whole deal I felt confident, motivated to make some money for a person I care about, and thinking that guys would plunk down at least 100 bucks for me. When that didn't happen, I felt just like I did in middle school: very unpretty. I immediately started wondering if my thighs looked too big. Were my stretchmarks from puberty THAT visible? Lack of make-up? It was an exhausting thought process.
I was displeased for the rest of the night (other factors contributed too) and the next day. I spent a lot of time thinking about it Saturday. And at the end of Saturday, I finally came to the conlusion that I was looking to the wrong people for my own validation. I should've been looking at myself for the validation. I say that I love myself all the time, but at some points I really don't. Some days more than others. Some situations just trigger a downward spiral. Friday night was one of them.
There's a lot I have to offer to others. But I really need to start remembering that others will only see what I'm worth I see it and live it for myself first.
I shook off everything and felt a lot better Sunday. But then again, I was somewhere I feel the most confident. Church.
My other epiphany stems from childhood too: aggressive language. I see it as a form of abuse. It's not the same as a punch to the gut, but it's just as hurtful and scarring.
I had a difference in opinion on a topic with someone who's been known to use colorful language at the wrong times. He wrote something about me that I didn't agree with, so I called him out on it and stressed the way I felt about his opinion. I wasn't rude or malicious with my words. After all, I was just telling my side and expressing the fact that he offended me. But the response I got from him was aggressive, complete with name calling.
Granted, I curse. But cursing someone out or telling them to "get your head out of your ass" when debating an issue is disrespectful. It's especially uncalled for if you're supposedly friends.
It's also my no fly zone. If I care about you, chances are I won't dishonor you by calling you a bitch, asshole..etc. I expect the same from my friends, boyfriend, etc.
I had given this person dozens of chances and forgave him for the same types of offenses before. This time, it's a done deal.
So...those were just two things floating in my head this past week. Can you imagine what else was in there?
I'm at work, on break, taking in this Kaskade cd I downloaded last night. So blissful. So peaceful...yummy.
Anyway, the auction was interesting. I sold for a lot less than I thought I would. My ego took a big smack. I was ready to plunk down 600 for someone else...until I realized I have a big credit card payment to make. Overall it was a good night.
Lately I've been having mini-epiphanies about my personality. The biggest one is coming to grips with the fact that I have low esteem in some areas. Everyone has insecurities somewhere and mine aren't any different. I've just been in denial for the past 4 years about one of them.
When I was a chubby kid with glasses and braces, I wasn't too popular with anyone, least of all the opposite sex. I grew older, I slimmed down, I got physically active. And suddenly all the guys that wouldn't give me the time of day at 16 were looking at me in a different light at 21. The attention inflated my confidence and ego. As long as that attention was there, I felt worthy. I never thought to question how I validate worth...until Friday.
It's not easy trying to sell yourself for a date, even if the benefit goes toward something you prize--like upping your best friend's tuition fund. I was the first person bid on at the auction. I went for 40 (or 45...I can't remember). Very few guys hollered out a bid.
Going into this whole deal I felt confident, motivated to make some money for a person I care about, and thinking that guys would plunk down at least 100 bucks for me. When that didn't happen, I felt just like I did in middle school: very unpretty. I immediately started wondering if my thighs looked too big. Were my stretchmarks from puberty THAT visible? Lack of make-up? It was an exhausting thought process.
I was displeased for the rest of the night (other factors contributed too) and the next day. I spent a lot of time thinking about it Saturday. And at the end of Saturday, I finally came to the conlusion that I was looking to the wrong people for my own validation. I should've been looking at myself for the validation. I say that I love myself all the time, but at some points I really don't. Some days more than others. Some situations just trigger a downward spiral. Friday night was one of them.
There's a lot I have to offer to others. But I really need to start remembering that others will only see what I'm worth I see it and live it for myself first.
I shook off everything and felt a lot better Sunday. But then again, I was somewhere I feel the most confident. Church.
My other epiphany stems from childhood too: aggressive language. I see it as a form of abuse. It's not the same as a punch to the gut, but it's just as hurtful and scarring.
I had a difference in opinion on a topic with someone who's been known to use colorful language at the wrong times. He wrote something about me that I didn't agree with, so I called him out on it and stressed the way I felt about his opinion. I wasn't rude or malicious with my words. After all, I was just telling my side and expressing the fact that he offended me. But the response I got from him was aggressive, complete with name calling.
Granted, I curse. But cursing someone out or telling them to "get your head out of your ass" when debating an issue is disrespectful. It's especially uncalled for if you're supposedly friends.
It's also my no fly zone. If I care about you, chances are I won't dishonor you by calling you a bitch, asshole..etc. I expect the same from my friends, boyfriend, etc.
I had given this person dozens of chances and forgave him for the same types of offenses before. This time, it's a done deal.
So...those were just two things floating in my head this past week. Can you imagine what else was in there?
May 16, 2006
Semester Inventory
I take note of all the things I've learned from semester to semester. I have plenty to write about. So...here goes:
School lessons:
1. No matter how hard I try, I always feel like I could learn more.
2. I wish I had the time to get 5 degrees under my belt because there's so much I want to know about.
3. By the same token...I'm nearing the finish line, so thank goodness school's almost over--until that pesky Psy Master business brings itself up.
Family lessons:
1. I always say it, but I truly love my parents.
2. Embrace the things you love about your family members rather than look at the negative.
3. That said...try and influence the negative traits to change--without being overbearing.
4. Listen to your mother, godmother, and godsister, no matter how much you disagree with their advice.
Love (oh, so long):
1. When you least expect it, someone will enter your life, even for a brief period of time, and make you feel alive inside.
2. Love does wait. It just depends on how patient you are.
3. One of the hardest decisions to make is to let go of someone you deeply care about.
4. Never settle for less than what you want and deserve. NEVER.
5. Loneliness isn't a bad emotion/occupation unless you want it to be.
6. Sex is overrated. ...Yeah, I always say that. But I keep proving that it's true.
7. Crushes are awesome.
8. Then again, it's better to muster courage, talk to the crush, and see if he/she is really that dreamy.
9. Persistance is a virtue. (Yes, that's for you, Sincero.)
10. Forgivess is also a virtue. I finally found out that I have it. (Thank you, Jody Moe.)
I take note of all the things I've learned from semester to semester. I have plenty to write about. So...here goes:
School lessons:
1. No matter how hard I try, I always feel like I could learn more.
2. I wish I had the time to get 5 degrees under my belt because there's so much I want to know about.
3. By the same token...I'm nearing the finish line, so thank goodness school's almost over--until that pesky Psy Master business brings itself up.
Family lessons:
1. I always say it, but I truly love my parents.
2. Embrace the things you love about your family members rather than look at the negative.
3. That said...try and influence the negative traits to change--without being overbearing.
4. Listen to your mother, godmother, and godsister, no matter how much you disagree with their advice.
Love (oh, so long):
1. When you least expect it, someone will enter your life, even for a brief period of time, and make you feel alive inside.
2. Love does wait. It just depends on how patient you are.
3. One of the hardest decisions to make is to let go of someone you deeply care about.
4. Never settle for less than what you want and deserve. NEVER.
5. Loneliness isn't a bad emotion/occupation unless you want it to be.
6. Sex is overrated. ...Yeah, I always say that. But I keep proving that it's true.
7. Crushes are awesome.
8. Then again, it's better to muster courage, talk to the crush, and see if he/she is really that dreamy.
9. Persistance is a virtue. (Yes, that's for you, Sincero.)
10. Forgivess is also a virtue. I finally found out that I have it. (Thank you, Jody Moe.)
April 19, 2006
The Healing Power of Jody
It's amazing what you can learn in three days.
A good friend of mine served as a catalyst for new developments and helped me end a chapter of my life that was putting strain on me in ways I didn't realize. With his visit to Houston, a couple of dinners, charming conversation, and one roaring confession, I learned:
Some wounds are harder to heal than others, but with time, even the most painful ones can mend. That may seem a little obvious, but it is indeed true. I'm very fragile in some respects and break easily. Most of the time I can bounce back from an ordeal with zeal. However, the times that I've been deeply hurt (which are very few), it may take me a long while to recuperate. In this instance, it took me a year and one very emotional outburst to express the pain I felt. And when it was over, I let go of everything and finally forgave the person that damaged me.
People can always put the past behind them--if they choose to--and will surprise you every now and then. My parents are protective of me (naturally) and can be extremely unforgiving if I'm hurt. This weekend, I was shocked to see both of them give someone they knew had geatly upset me a chance. That move was an affirmation that nearly ANYTHING is possible.
I'm more tied to my religion than I thought. I'm not too preachy about my spiritual life and if you know about my beliefs, background, and history, you'll understand (If you don't know and are curious, ask me.). The offense I keep referring to revolved around a decision I made in late December of '04. At the time, I was petrified about the change I was making, simply because I was making it on my own and without the support of people I counted on my whole life. Being verbally attacked for my actions was the last thing I wanted or needed and in the end only fueled my ultimate choice. I was being told things that were brutal and untrue. A little over a year later in hindsight, I realize just how much a person's words can impact me...and that I really did have a testimony.
I'm strong...but I can always be stronger. I've said it before: I'll continue to change as long as I'm in this mortal existence. Without change, a person doesn't really live. If a person doesn't live for every moment, good and bad, strength will never come or increase. At the end of this weekend, I did something I never thought possible: I made myself vulnerable to a part of my past, confronted an issue that needed to be resolved, and can actually allow myself to be more open to others because of it. It hurt, but I think it made me a heck of a lot stronger...and definitely happier.
It's amazing what you can learn in three days.
A good friend of mine served as a catalyst for new developments and helped me end a chapter of my life that was putting strain on me in ways I didn't realize. With his visit to Houston, a couple of dinners, charming conversation, and one roaring confession, I learned:
Some wounds are harder to heal than others, but with time, even the most painful ones can mend. That may seem a little obvious, but it is indeed true. I'm very fragile in some respects and break easily. Most of the time I can bounce back from an ordeal with zeal. However, the times that I've been deeply hurt (which are very few), it may take me a long while to recuperate. In this instance, it took me a year and one very emotional outburst to express the pain I felt. And when it was over, I let go of everything and finally forgave the person that damaged me.
People can always put the past behind them--if they choose to--and will surprise you every now and then. My parents are protective of me (naturally) and can be extremely unforgiving if I'm hurt. This weekend, I was shocked to see both of them give someone they knew had geatly upset me a chance. That move was an affirmation that nearly ANYTHING is possible.
I'm more tied to my religion than I thought. I'm not too preachy about my spiritual life and if you know about my beliefs, background, and history, you'll understand (If you don't know and are curious, ask me.). The offense I keep referring to revolved around a decision I made in late December of '04. At the time, I was petrified about the change I was making, simply because I was making it on my own and without the support of people I counted on my whole life. Being verbally attacked for my actions was the last thing I wanted or needed and in the end only fueled my ultimate choice. I was being told things that were brutal and untrue. A little over a year later in hindsight, I realize just how much a person's words can impact me...and that I really did have a testimony.
I'm strong...but I can always be stronger. I've said it before: I'll continue to change as long as I'm in this mortal existence. Without change, a person doesn't really live. If a person doesn't live for every moment, good and bad, strength will never come or increase. At the end of this weekend, I did something I never thought possible: I made myself vulnerable to a part of my past, confronted an issue that needed to be resolved, and can actually allow myself to be more open to others because of it. It hurt, but I think it made me a heck of a lot stronger...and definitely happier.
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Sunday, December 04, 2005
It's All About Nina
I didn't realize until a minute ago that I named my guitar after one of my most loved singers on the planet, Nina Simone. If I could sing like her, I'd be the happiest woman ever. Then again, her voice is truly original, so no one could emulate it. Got me thinking. If I were stuck in a room with a bunch of crooners, who would they be? Hmm...
Nina Simone, of course.
Jeff Buckley, so I could ask him how the hell he wrote some of the material he did.
Tina Turner. Gosh...Tina. I grew up listening to her music, did my 7th grade biography project on her...I even had a Tina wig (60s wig, not the crazy afro looking thing).
The entire Rat Pack. Love 'em all, Dino the most. I'd want to hear all of their tales.
Marvin Gaye. He was such a prominent figure of his time and still is. I'd love to hear how "What's Going On" or "Sexual Healing" came up.
Janis Joplin, cause she's a woman of the blues. Truly.
Etta James, because I still think she owes me for canceling her last tour date here in Houston. Oh, was I pissed.
Chino Moreno. That man can mix screaming with melodic voicing so well.
Adam Levine. Well...cause...he's Adam Levine. I like his style. The songs "Woman" and "Secret" made for some of the tunes for sucking face. ...Yeah...God bless Maroon 5.
Mariah Carey. You can't be a child of the 80s, 90s, or 00s without knowing that she changed the music world with her pipes. I'd like to see her hit a high C and shatter glass.
Jonny Lang. I sing the blues best and I'd love to duet with him on a few of his songs. They're all honest.
...This is a strange entry to write, but it was just one of my many thoughts this morning.
It's All About Nina
I didn't realize until a minute ago that I named my guitar after one of my most loved singers on the planet, Nina Simone. If I could sing like her, I'd be the happiest woman ever. Then again, her voice is truly original, so no one could emulate it. Got me thinking. If I were stuck in a room with a bunch of crooners, who would they be? Hmm...
Nina Simone, of course.
Jeff Buckley, so I could ask him how the hell he wrote some of the material he did.
Tina Turner. Gosh...Tina. I grew up listening to her music, did my 7th grade biography project on her...I even had a Tina wig (60s wig, not the crazy afro looking thing).
The entire Rat Pack. Love 'em all, Dino the most. I'd want to hear all of their tales.
Marvin Gaye. He was such a prominent figure of his time and still is. I'd love to hear how "What's Going On" or "Sexual Healing" came up.
Janis Joplin, cause she's a woman of the blues. Truly.
Etta James, because I still think she owes me for canceling her last tour date here in Houston. Oh, was I pissed.
Chino Moreno. That man can mix screaming with melodic voicing so well.
Adam Levine. Well...cause...he's Adam Levine. I like his style. The songs "Woman" and "Secret" made for some of the tunes for sucking face. ...Yeah...God bless Maroon 5.
Mariah Carey. You can't be a child of the 80s, 90s, or 00s without knowing that she changed the music world with her pipes. I'd like to see her hit a high C and shatter glass.
Jonny Lang. I sing the blues best and I'd love to duet with him on a few of his songs. They're all honest.
...This is a strange entry to write, but it was just one of my many thoughts this morning.
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