June 5, 2006

Mini-epiphanies

I'm at work, on break, taking in this Kaskade cd I downloaded last night. So blissful. So peaceful...yummy.
Anyway, the auction was interesting. I sold for a lot less than I thought I would. My ego took a big smack. I was ready to plunk down 600 for someone else...until I realized I have a big credit card payment to make. Overall it was a good night.
Lately I've been having mini-epiphanies about my personality. The biggest one is coming to grips with the fact that I have low esteem in some areas. Everyone has insecurities somewhere and mine aren't any different. I've just been in denial for the past 4 years about one of them.
When I was a chubby kid with glasses and braces, I wasn't too popular with anyone, least of all the opposite sex. I grew older, I slimmed down, I got physically active. And suddenly all the guys that wouldn't give me the time of day at 16 were looking at me in a different light at 21. The attention inflated my confidence and ego. As long as that attention was there, I felt worthy. I never thought to question how I validate worth...until Friday.
It's not easy trying to sell yourself for a date, even if the benefit goes toward something you prize--like upping your best friend's tuition fund. I was the first person bid on at the auction. I went for 40 (or 45...I can't remember). Very few guys hollered out a bid.
Going into this whole deal I felt confident, motivated to make some money for a person I care about, and thinking that guys would plunk down at least 100 bucks for me. When that didn't happen, I felt just like I did in middle school: very unpretty. I immediately started wondering if my thighs looked too big. Were my stretchmarks from puberty THAT visible? Lack of make-up? It was an exhausting thought process.
I was displeased for the rest of the night (other factors contributed too) and the next day. I spent a lot of time thinking about it Saturday. And at the end of Saturday, I finally came to the conlusion that I was looking to the wrong people for my own validation. I should've been looking at myself for the validation. I say that I love myself all the time, but at some points I really don't. Some days more than others. Some situations just trigger a downward spiral. Friday night was one of them.
There's a lot I have to offer to others. But I really need to start remembering that others will only see what I'm worth I see it and live it for myself first.
I shook off everything and felt a lot better Sunday. But then again, I was somewhere I feel the most confident. Church.
My other epiphany stems from childhood too: aggressive language. I see it as a form of abuse. It's not the same as a punch to the gut, but it's just as hurtful and scarring.
I had a difference in opinion on a topic with someone who's been known to use colorful language at the wrong times. He wrote something about me that I didn't agree with, so I called him out on it and stressed the way I felt about his opinion. I wasn't rude or malicious with my words. After all, I was just telling my side and expressing the fact that he offended me. But the response I got from him was aggressive, complete with name calling.
Granted, I curse. But cursing someone out or telling them to "get your head out of your ass" when debating an issue is disrespectful. It's especially uncalled for if you're supposedly friends.
It's also my no fly zone. If I care about you, chances are I won't dishonor you by calling you a bitch, asshole..etc. I expect the same from my friends, boyfriend, etc.
I had given this person dozens of chances and forgave him for the same types of offenses before. This time, it's a done deal.
So...those were just two things floating in my head this past week. Can you imagine what else was in there?